This is How I Realized My Heart is Numbed
“If things go sideways, there’s no way I can get to you...There is no way you can get to me.”
Sometime recently a friend forwarded me a list of journaling prompts, questions to explore and really look at around pandemic, coronavirus, social distancing, COVID-19, shelter-in-place, quarantine, isolation, ventilators, ICU.
I kept her email and every once in awhile would open it up and read through the questions.
Well, actually, I'd read the first prompt and stop.
What do you fear is going to happen?
I registered the importance of sitting down to face this question.
And I deleted the email before writing my way through it.
“Have you thought about if we can’t see each other for six or twelve months?”
I'm very aware that stepping into a safe and deep container—especially an embodied one—makes all the difference when confronting fears, exploring desires, and releasing things we don't want.
( That's why I've started setting the container and holding space for your partner and you to connect deeply with a weekly, guided Desires, Fears, Loves practice. )
The problem is I haven't established that container for myself.
“If in a moment I needed you or you needed me, it’s not like I can hop on a plane.”
It's taken my partner saying out loud on the phone many of the fears swimming around within me for me to realize I haven't looked at them.
I haven't felt them.
I haven't seen them.
I haven't heard them.
And what's been the most illuminating has been witnessing how deep my wounding goes when faced with all of this.
“I would love to not be alone right now.”
What's been illuminating has been experiencing the fight-flight-freeze state begin to shift and thaw when encircled with love.
Through the stress of watching my three children hear they're going back to school on April 13...
No May 1...
Actually the school year is over...
To the financial impact of losing three different income streams...
To the effects I can feel on my nervous system...
Remembering to connect to my heart is surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) challenging.
“I’d rather spend our time being as connected as we can be.”
It took witnessing sensations of surprise within my body around my partner saying she wanted to see me to realize I'm not in my heart.
I'm in fear.
That's not where I want to be.
I want to be in love.
I want to be closer joy.
I want to lead with compassion.
Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST
And I suspect you do, too.
So here are two guided audios for you to experience heart connection:
One you can do on your own (it's 00:08:06 in length).
And one you can do with your partner (it's 00:11:21 in length).
All you have to do is sit or lie comfortably and press play.
Then let me know if you have questions, want to share what you experienced with the guided meditations, or just hit reply and let me know what you're witnessing through all of this.
We're in this together even though we're apart.
Sending you so much love,
Daniela
P.S. I've introduced sliding scale rates. So even if you think sex and intimacy is the last thing on your mind, it's often the trauma, triggers, coping mechanisms, and pieces of us that hold us back from thriving and flourishing in love and within that are also showing up HARD right now.
Click here to see my scale ranging from financial hardship and low income to prices starting from $45 for individuals and $58 to couples and availability.
P.P.S. Here's that link again for your partner and you (or you and your roommate, family member, close friend, or colleague) to be guided through my most beautiful communication and connection tool on Thursday, April 9 from 7 - 7:30 pm PDT free and online via Zoom.
