Blog
9 Qualities for Determining the State of Your Union
"On a scale from 1 to 10, how happy are you as a couple?"
Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a movie that's spoken to me for a long time.
It was trying to tell me something about long term committed relationships.
I sat with it for years before I figured it out.
Even though it's from a cis white heteronormative framing, it's still about two people experiencing what I call The Relationship Journey.
To Be Chosen, You Have To Communicate Your Needs First
I see you relaxing back, receiving so much love and care and support that you need and want.
I see you doing it with ease and it coming to you so lusciously.
Here's the thing, though.
Most sitcoms don't show the characters knowing what they want, communicating what they want, or getting what they want.
Connection Doesn't Happen at Warp Speed; It Requires Space
I am all over the place. Maybe you can relate.
My brain is foggy.
My body is unsteady.
My desires are inarticulable.
Are You Willing To Grow With Your Partner?
Back when I was training as an Integrated Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, I remember having conversations with my colleagues about what to look for in a partner.
What makes having the sex you want and the intimacy you desire possible in a relationship...for both of you?
The answer I came up with?
Heal Within The Stone Hearth of Your Relationship for Fire and Light
You.
Me.
What do we know about supporting long term relationships to thrive, to flourish...
To experience the fullness of being human...
To explore the richness, depth, passion, and connection of being alive?
7 Steps for Reclaiming Our Pleasure, Connection, and Interdependence
I need to remind us that sex is important.
Intimacy is important.
Closeness...is important.
We are created for pleasure.
We are designed for interdependence.
"I'm tired" is the new "I'm fine." You're not tired. You're not fine.
I'm tired.
Are you?
I've noticed that for some people "tired" can be code for boredom or pessimism, frustration, irritation, impatience....
Sometimes it encompasses overwhelm, disappointment, doubt, or worry.
Here is what I want for us. Are you with me?
Here is what I want for us:
I want a relationship where we experience a connection, a close bond, an attachment.
I want a relationship where I can read your cues around what you need and want, and you can read mine...where we're willing to learn one another's cues and respond to them.
None of Us Wants to Be Abandoned...and how I want us to love more and deeper
A client wrote to me recently and asked,
"Can you help me to want her less...care about her less...and love her less than I do so that I am not putting pressure on her to communicate with me or have to be intimate with me emotionally?
Is that realistic?"
Gently Support One Another's Bodies and Sexuality with Loving Touch
Sit down with me?
I'm picturing us nestled around a small, square table.
The flat wood is darker, and the texture offers my chest calm and grounding sensations with a reminder of the outdoors.
Maybe you're across from me so we can look at one another.
This Is How You Connect Within...So You Know What You Need and Want
Deep breath.
What do I need to connect within right now...to connect with myself?
Space.
And permission.
Can we just be where we're at...right here, right now?
For a deeper connection within...so you might connect in love with your partner over the weekend...
Do something with me this morning?
Take a moment to perhaps close your eyes or just soften them.
Focus a few moments on your breath.
Are you feeling an auspicious opening toward the light today?
I've been thinking about you.
I woke up at 5:40 am this morning.
No real reason.
And when my logical, rational mind searched for reasons I might have woken up so early, I remembered it's December 21.
This Is How You Move Toward Embodied Self-Love
Something so powerful and deep happened in a coaching session a few weeks ago.
I've been thinking about it and wanting to share it, thinking it might click a few things into place for you, too.
Because most of us...we want to experience love with a partner, with our person.
The idea of self-love can feel so far-fetched and inaccessible because we first experience love in relationship and attachment to our primary caregivers.
How to Not Get Overwhelmed and Numb To It All
I'm not sure where your thoughts or emotions are at right now, friend.
And over the last few days I've been running through a spectrum of grief and hope and despair and anger marked with sparks of action and creativity.
I've also been ruminating around what feminist marketing consultant Kelly Diels (she/her) calls my spot on the wall.
The rawness of my core wound comes around every year.
The most vulnerable thing I could ever do is ask if you'd spend my birthday with me.
Even as I write the words, tears flood my eyes and spill over.
A knot clenches in my gut, and my throat becomes so tight it's almost impossible for me to breathe.
I try to swallow it down, but the icy terror in my heart threatens to heave up and out of my body.
I've got deep questions around relationships right now.
Distancing in the form of individuation and differentiating yourself from your partner is normal and healthy.
It supports autonomy and growth and prevents enmeshment and...
I dare say...
a toxic intimacy that snuffs out the possibility of passion.
Three Ways to Return to Our Priorities in Pandemic Times
We have been doing this pandemic thing for over five months now.
Social distancing, sheltering-in-place, masks, hands-washing, working from home, online learning.
In some ways I've adapted.
In other moments I've completely lost my way.
Several days ago I threw a glass at the floor and shattered it....
I wasn't angry.
I wasn't triggered.
And several days ago I picked up a glass and shattered it on the floor.
I was frustrated.
I was beyond my capacity.
This is How You Take Ownership of Your Sexuality
You may not be having sex or as much sex as you want with your partner during this pandemic.
Maybe—like me—your partner and you are sheltering-in-place in different locations.
You may be single or dating.