This is Why Video Chatting with Your Loved Ones is So Hard
Before all of this happened, my partner and I already had a lot of experience with distance.
Being in an international, long distance relationship is hard.
Closed borders.
She's a frontlines healthcare worker.
I'm a trauma-informed sex and intimacy coach.
It's more than hard.
She and I have always had FaceTime and Zoom, and we don’t use them that often.
I suppose there are reasons for that....
For example, there was that one time she and I got on FaceTime, and when my heart saw her, it tried to jump out of my chest to meet her through the screen.
I tried to call the tears back into my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat down into my stomach.
I attempted to focus on the words she was saying while I was swimming in sensation.
I managed to hold it together enough throughout the conversation, and when we got off the video call, I collapsed into a pool of emotion and wrote her a letter around what I was experiencing.
Dissonance is exhausting.
That's what @gpetriglieri on Twitter reminded me.
They wrote:
“I spoke to an old therapist friend today, and finally understood why everyone’s so exhausted after video calls. It’s the plausible deniability of each other’s absence. Our minds tricked into the idea of being together when our bodies feel we’re not.
Dissonance is exhausting.
It’s easier being in each other’s presence, or in each other’s absence, than in the constant presence of each other’s absence.”
This in between—being together and not—causes a trauma all its own.
And if like me (and everyone) you have trauma inflicted by others, by religion, by patriarchy, by racism, by unrealistic cultural expectations, by by by by
then maybe deliberately stepping into dissonance isn't the right move for you.
Photo by Hulki Okan Tabak
Here are six steps to connect without seeing one another (while doing some soul gazing):
STEP 1: See
Close your eyes and bring your partner into your mind's eye.
Maybe you step into a memory.
Maybe you remember a specific picture of them.
Start by taking in your partner’s face.
Notice all of the details, the shapes, the colors of every part of their face.
Look at them as if studying them for the very first time.
STEP 2: Emotions
Now feel your partner a little bit deeper.
Notice and feel the emotions of your partner.
Recalling their face, their eyes notice what emotions you feel inside of your partner.
Feel the emotions they carry as a kind of emotional signature.
STEP 3: Mind
Now feel into a deeper layer.
Feel into the mind of your partner.
Notice the content of their thoughts and the quality of their thoughts.
Witness the regular state of their mind.
Notice whatever you feel.
STEP 4: Energy
Now feel the energy of your partner.
What kind of energetic qualities can you perceive in them?
Track them and notice them moment-by-moment.
STEP 5: Soul
Feel your partner’s soul.
What is there in your partner’s soul?
Notice any qualities, any images, and keep breathing.
See your partner fully and completely.
STEP 6: Spirit
Feel the spirit of your partner, the piece that connects the two of you so deeply.
This quality may be referred to as “god” or “goddess.”
All the way inside see in your partner their deep spirit nature.
Then release and take in the experience as a whole.
Be compassionate with yourself.
Try to be compassionate with your partner and your relationship.
And if you need or want support, hit reply and share with me what you're experiencing.
I'm here.
Sending so much love,
Daniela
P.S. Email me and I'll send you how to soul gaze if you two are together.
P.P.S. Next week I'll be guiding us through Desires, Fears, Loves from 7 - 7:30 pm PDT online via Zoom. All free. :)
Join us.
