9 Qualities for Determining the State of Your Union

Hey, partnered-up person,

"On a scale from 1 to 10, how happy are you as a couple?"

Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a movie that's spoken to me for a long time.

It was trying to tell me something about long term committed relationships.

I sat with it for years before I figured it out.

Even though it's from a cis white heteronormative framing, it's still about two people experiencing what I call The Relationship Journey.

Two people meet. They’re drawn together.

Magnetized. Chemistry. It makes sense. It works.

And then they devolve into caricatures of themselves.

Shallow. Automated. Disconnected. Roles. Performances. Survival.

Each wondering how they got here and why they’re so miserable when according to social media or their bank accounts, they are supposed to be happy.

But how do we even know if we're happy or why we're happy?

So here are nine qualities to check in around to explore how happy you are in your relationship:

1. Do you feel loved by your partner?

Maybe your answer is yes. Maybe it's no.

How would you know if you were loved in your relationship?

2. Do you feel safe with your partner?

Yes? No?

3. Do you feel your partner looks out for your well-being?

How would you know if your partner looked out for your well-being?

4. Do you feel secure with your partner?

Why or why not?

5. Do you feel desired by your partner?

How would you know if you were desired by your partner?

6. Do you feel accepted by your partner?

Is your answer something like yes or something like no?

7. Do you feel respected by your partner?

How would you know if you were respected by your partner?

8. Do you feel understood by your partner?

Why/why not?

9. Do you feel appreciated by your partner?

How would you know if you were appreciated by your partner?



These qualities begin to describe the various experiences and feelings we have or want to have in our relationship, so we can understand them for ourselves and communicate them with our partner.

Maybe the illuminate much for you.

Offering you so much love,
Daniela