4 Questions to Ask to Discover More Pleasure in Your and Your Partner's Bodies

Hey, person who wants to experience more pleasure,

My wish is that you have an amazing, deep, connected, vibrant, expressive sexual connection with yourself and with your partner.

This is my work. This is my offering.

And when the hypocrisy of our cultures and societies oftentimes show up at the intersections of Puritanical, religious views and capitalizing on the selling of youthful sex and honeymoon sex, our bodyminds get confused and freeze.

This is why my work exists.

We are not shown how to clarify what we need and want.

We are not taught how to connect to our sexuality and be in our body.

We are not encouraged to communicate what feels good or hold space for others.

We are not invited to heal and feel and be with what arises.

We are not emboldened to co-create a sex life where we feel confident and honored.

I am here to change that.

Because we are born for pleasure. We are born for connection.

We inherently and intuitively know what feels good. We know how to connect.

But have been programmed to bypass, deny, and numb it from our lives.

Sexuality and relationships aren’t hard; we just have to unlearn everything oppressive that seeps their way into them.

That is hard.

Because it's been systemically installed into every aspect of our lives. Every breath of air. Every sip of water.

It's not because we are deficient or broken or unworthy in any way.

It's because when we aren't connected to ourselves, we are easier to manipulate, to scare, to control.

So let's start with clarifying what we want by connecting to our bodies and communicating with ourselves and our partners so we can heal our sexualities and co-create the pleasure and sex we deserve so we are fueled and resourced to dismantle white-bodied supremacy and re-envision a just and sustainable future for allllll bodies.

Here are four questions to ask yourself and/or your partner for discovering more pleasure in the body by exploring, checking in, and requesting around what feels good:

QUESTION 1: How is the pressure?

You might have a general preference around a light touch, a tickly touch, a scratchy touch, or a firm touch.

And day to day, hour to hour, what feels good may change for you. It often does, and we don't give ourselves permission to explore.

As you self-pleasure, ask yourself, "How's the pressure?"

If you're having sex with your partner, ask yourself, "How is the pressure?" And if you'd like a different pressure, request from them a change. That might sound like, "Can you press deeper?" or "Could you lighten the pressure?"

While having partnered sex, ask your partner, "How is the pressure?" Then listen and adjust.

By checking in, you or they can consider if the current pressure is inviting pleasure or invite curiosity around a different pressure welcoming more pleasure.

QUESTION 2: How is the speed?

We might have a go-to rhythm, a pattern that shows up in the speed with which we self-pleasure or experience partnered sex.

What might it be like to slow down? Could that invite more pleasure today?

Perhaps speeding up is something to try.

Possibly pausing in stillness to hear your breath or that of your partner's might feel amazing.

Even alternating speeds can increase desire and arousal.

Ask yourself, "How is the speed?" and listen. Trying something new may be vulnerable, exciting, and/or awkward. Search for more pleasure anyway. :)

Ask your partner, "How is the speed?" and stay open to switching things up or being affirmed in the speed you're going.

QUESTION 3: How is the location?

For as long as we've been self-pleasuring or having sex with our partner, we may go straight for it. The same locations, the same positions, the same erogenous zones.

Ask yourself, "How is the location?" Maybe down or up at an angle might be better.

Ask your partner, "How is the location?" Perhaps moving your hips or their hips a little to the left might offer a new or interesting angle or approach that ignites sensation.

QUESTION 4: How is the style or stroke?

How we self-pleasure is often how we come to partnered sex, so it makes sense if we do the same things we've always done in both spaces.

We don't have a lot of sex education that supports different styles or strokes that are realistic and pleasurable for exploration and not performative.

What looks good through video camera for porn doesn't translate to what feels good in the body.

So ask yourself, "How is the style or stroke?" Could you try diagonal or circles? Maybe go allll the way down instead of focusing on the head.

Ask your partner, "How is the style or stroke?" Then possibly they can tell you about what they enjoy when they're self-pleasuring. Or they can ask you to mimic something they heard about or saw.

You can learn about different styles and strokes and techniques and approaches that can expand pleasure and take it deeper.


When we know how to ask the right questions, we give ourselves a framework and structure for exploring, checking in, and requesting different, and possibly better and deeper pleasure.

If you try these questions out, hit reply and share with me what you experience. I want to hear. :)

Offering you so much love,
Daniela