We Need More Guidance Around Self-Pleasuring and Sex

May I share something with you?

For decades I looked for guidance to support me to experience climax for the first time.

Maybe for a decade, my partner at the time and I looked for guidance around how to improve our sex life.

Books and sex therapists and outdated VHS videos got me nowhere.

I became who I needed back then—someone who can offer guidance and steps around self-pleasuring and partnered sex.

Not concepts.

Not ideas.

Not generalities.

And definitely not the traditional approach I found everywhere which was a focus on communication and emotional intimacy from people who had no training around sex, sexual expression, and sexual intimacy.

Photo by mimi lalaa

Here are four holistic tools (and there's four more I can introduce you to) to deepen your connection within and in love around sex:

TOOL 1: Focus

When you self-pleasure or have partnered sex, where is your attention usually?

Try shifting your focus to parts of the body and to sensations.

Where you focus changes how you feel inside and your experience of pleasure.

For example, you can focus on your genitals, on your hips, on your belly, on your chest, on your throat, or on your head.

Each of these will bring a new experience and different sensations.

TOOL 2: Breath

Changing your breath during self-pleasuring or sex changes your experience of pleasure.

Taking in a longer and fuller breath and exhaling just as long and smoothly helps to slow down and create more sensitivity and a deeper sense of connection with your body.

Even as you can also use breath as a tool for soothing your nervous system and breaking through blockages you feel, the breath can also be activating.

Some people find hearing, feeling, and using their breath to be a deep turn-on, too.

Listen to your partner's breath, to your own breath, as you stay with pleasure.

TOOL 3: Sounding

Opening your mouth, relaxing your jaw, and letting out authentic sounds liberates you.

Once you get over the initial discomfort and fear of judgment, sounding encourages you to express yourself and can encourage you to deeply surrender to pleasure.

Sounding is also helpful for moving energy within the body.

Just like breath, sounding can release blockages and trauma from the body.

TOOL 4: Movement

Slowing down and focusing on the movement of your body allows you to develop awareness and strength.

By gently squeezing and releasing or moving in and out or side to side, you can create an embodied sexuality and a sense of sexual freedom.

The most basic way to play with movement during self-pleasuring is to squeeze, contract, and hold for a count of five and then to relax all of your muscles for a count of five.

Repeat this a few times, and keep in mind to always mix equal parts strength with relaxation to avoid creating tension in the body.


Each one of these tools is an opportunity to explore and savor and deepen.

Feel alive.

Feel vibrant.

Feel pleasure.

You deserve it. <3

Offering love,
Daniela