This is How To Hold Yourself When Others Can't
I'm not sure I've ever experienced being more lonely than I have in the last several months.
Not alone...
But lonely.
That certain kind of loneliness that exists when I'm with other people
(like...with shelter-in-place)
and also emotionally apart
(maybe...unable to be vulnerable to share and express what I'm experiencing).
I've felt myself reaching....
only to come up empty-handed.
I know I'm not alone...
And in crucial moments when maybe my blood feels icy or my heart contracts so tight or I can't catch my breath because I'm next to hyperventilation,
I've kissed the depths of despair and helplessness.
What I think makes it extra hard is I've been training for years to recognize my needs and wants and desires.
( As opposed to stuffing them deep down within, never to be heard from again. )
So it's painful when I can put together exactly what I could use in a moment...
and then for it to not be possible.
It's a different flavor of despair when that happens.
The trick for me (and for you) is learning the NEXT part:
How to hold yourself in just the way you need when no one else is available, willing, or even capable.
Photo by Hanna Postova
Here are five steps for holding yourself in just the way you need:
STEP ONE: Locate
Maybe you close your eyes, or perhaps you begin to take some deep breaths to turn your focus and awareness to your inner landscape.
Locate within you a space where unconditional love exists.
This isn't a logical or rational experience.
It might not make sense.
And notice if a color or a shape or a caricature...maybe a deity or a character from a book or a movie or TV show comes into your awareness.
Invite openness, curiosity, and maybe even a sense of playfulness as you locate a piece of you that feels like or looks like unconditional love.
STEP TWO: Expansion
As you take in this piece within you that is limitless love, notice this piece's capacity
to love you,
to nourish you,
to nurture you,
to offer you compassion.
Then invite this color or shape or caricature
to expand,
to get bigger,
to become more resourced,
to become more capable.
Breathe, and experience this piece of you that is unconditional, limitless love within you.
STEP THREE: Find
Connect with a piece of you that most needs unconditional love right now.
It may be a young or tender piece.
Perhaps it's your skin.
Maybe it's your heart.
It could be another piece or part of you altogether.
Ask if this piece of you is willing to receive unconditional love right now.
If so....
STEP FOUR: Invite
From the piece of you that is unconditional love, invite the piece of you that most needs love right now to share how it most wants to receive that love.
Maybe it wants to be held.
Perhaps it wants to be stroked.
It could want to be nurtured or nourished or loved in a particular way.
STEP FIVE: Receive
With the depth of a fives senses reality, invite your bodymind and imagination to ignite your sense of touch, sight, smell, sound, and taste as this piece of you receives unconditional love.
Your nervous system doesn't differentiate between what you're imagining and what happens in real life as you bring yourself into the experience of receiving love from within.
Receive it in exactly the way you want it...
For as long as you want...
Until the experience feels complete.
If you can suspend disbelief or cynicism long enough to try it, explore it, and rest deeply within it, you might be able to notice your nervous system regulating, calming, and perhaps even healing.
And if you're having trouble, reach out.
I'll be your wingman.
Sending you so, so, so much love,
Daniela
P.S. If you want to hear and experience more around the power of connecting with your bodymind to offer yourself love, safety, belonging, and/or security, check out episode 120 with Dr. David Elliot on the Therapist Uncensored Podcast.
