Are You Coming Together or Coming Apart in Your Relationship?

This morning I'm thinking a lot about integration and individuation in relationships.

Relationships have many different phases and seasons.

And...

It helps me to have a map or a blueprint for understanding where I'm at and where I want to go.

Maybe it helps you, too.

Recently I was listening to a client talk about their desire to be closer and experience a deeper connection with their partner.

They'd been vulnerable and made requests for quality time and reflections.

Lovely bids for love and attention.

Their partner's response was cool and seemed to reveal their need for space.

Image by Henri Pham

My most generous story?

• My client wants to integrate and come together in the relationship.
  

• Their partner desires some differentiation and space to come apart.

Both are healthy.

Both are normal.

Both support the relationship and the people in it.

You and I can clearly see in this relationship model the zone of awesome:

Knapp’s Relationship Model

So what do you do if you are in one stage and your partner is another?

Here are 4 steps to move through:

STEP ONE: Acknowledge

Simply understanding where you are at and writing a generous story around where your partner may be at is extraordinarily helpful.

That's why maps and blueprints feel so good.

They support us to visually see and orient ourselves.

STEP TWO: Clarify

Gently ask your partner if you can have a conversation around your relationship.

See if there's a time and a place that works best for both of you.

( And not right after work or before you've both had a chance to eat. )

Offer insight around where you feel you are in the relationship and where you desire to be.

Ask if your partner would be willing to consider and share where they feel they're at and where they desire to be in this moment.

STEP THREE: Feel

Honest conversations can bring clarity and insight that feel open and warm and relaxing.

Simultaneously you might feel contraction, sharpness, or maybe even a dull numbing.

Whatever sensations you experience, even if—and especially if—they are conflicting, feel what you're feeling.

STEP FOUR: Surrender

One of the worst things we can do in our relationship is force or pressure our partner to be in the exact same place we're at.

Whether that's physically, emotionally, or sexually, oftentimes a simple and effective thing to do is to surrender to where you're each at and what you each want.

Let there be space.

Let there be compassion.

Offer yourself love. Offer yourself safety. Offer yourself acceptance exactly as you are in this moment.

Then see if you can extend and offer it to your partner and to your co-created relationship, too.


You can always hit reply and share with me where you're at or find twenty minutes when we can connect on the phone.

As always, I'm sending you so much love on your journey,
Daniela