I honestly believe people are happier without me in their lives.
People are happier without me in their lives.
I'm working with and getting curious about this belief I have that people are happier without me in their lives.
It's a thought pattern I apply to partners, to my children, to friends, to family.
It's painful.
I haven't figured out where it comes from.
I can't trace it back to a memory or an experience I've had.
And the last few weeks I've been sitting with it, watching the sensations and emotions and the very physical reactions that come when this belief is activated within me.
A part of me very much believes it's true:
People are happier without me in their lives.
The thing is...
I'm trying to believe it's not true.
I don't want to believe it's true.
I'm not sure believing this thought supports me or the other people in my life.
In fact, I'm sure it continues to dramatically change the course of my life.
****
In high school I had a best friend. Let's call her Becky.
We were very close and had so much fun together singing Sheryl Crow and Counting Crows.
All the crows.
I was dating someone. Then I wasn't dating someone.
Then she started seeing someone.
And I freaked out.
Uh.
That may be understating it.
I ran.
I ran far from her, and I ran far from all of our other friends.
Then I ran from high school all together.
I'd just turned 16.
And I left.
Tested out.
Went to community college the next month.
I believed she and everyone else in my life at that time would be happier without me.
****
So what to do with something unconscious that can direct your life in such a powerful way?
Well, I'm doing "The Work."
And by "The Work" I mean Bryon Katie and her worksheets that support me to cognitively experience how a belief pattern I have is unlikely to be actually and factually true.
Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado
Here are six steps to Byron Katie's "The Work" that you can also explore in her worksheets:
STEP ONE: Determine
Decide on a thought pattern or belief that causes harm in your life.
It could be a statement about someone (alive or dead) whom you haven’t forgiven completely.
Maybe it's a stressful thought or sentiment.
STEP TWO: Truth
Ask yourself: Is it true?
This seems like an obvious question, and oftentimes we think things that aren't true.
...then we react from that space.
And if the answer is no, move to step four
STEP THREE: Curiosity
Ask yourself: Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Not that we're in a justice space...and is there room for reasonable doubt?
Could you write a generous story?
Is there a possibility it isn't true?
STEP FOUR: Questioning
With curiosity, go deeper and explore some questions about truth and thought patterns:
How do you react and what happens inside your body when you believe that thought?
What emotions arise when you believe that thought?
What images of past and future do you see when you believe the thought?
How do you treat yourself and others when you believe the thought?
You might journal these or type the answers in an email to yourself.
STEP FIVE: Explore
If it's a pattern that's come from your ancestors or from your childhood, it may be deeply ingrained and influencing you without your permission.
So ask yourself:
Who would you be without this thought?
Who or what are you without this belief or thought pattern?
You might wrinkle your forehead as you consider the possibilities....
STEP SIX: Turn It Around
Turn the thought around into four or more statements.
For example, People are happier without me in their lives becomes
I am happier without people in my life.
People aren't happier without me in their lives.
I am happier without me in my life.
People are happier with me in their lives.
I am happier with people in my life.
Contemplate how each turnaround is as true or truer as the original belief.
Notice how your bodymind responds looking at all of these and their possibilities of truth.
Our minds are fascinating and complex and first and foremost designed to support us to survive.
And they don't always support us to thrive.
Getting curious about our beliefs -- even if we don't know where they originated from -- supports us to become conscious and choose how we want to respond instead of lettings ourselves react.
Email me, and share what beliefs you're struggling with these days, and I'll respond and let you know how I'm doing around this one.
Offering you so much love,
Daniela
P.S. If you want the support of professional space-holding to explore your beliefs and thought patterns, I have Zoom sessions available here.
